Little man was insistent on helping daddy finish up painting sister’s room last night. He looked around after getting a few paint strokes in and exclaimed, “Sister’s gonna love it.” Luckily there was no carpet harmed in the painting of this nursery 😜

But in all seriousness we’re really making some progress on getting things ready for our Elli girl, including our registry. We’re fortunate enough to have a lot that we can use from big brother and things that have been gifted to us but I’m wanting to hear another mama’s insight as to what they considered, “must haves” for baby #2. This is what I have listed at this point:

Diaper Genie because those diapers are the gift that keeps on giving in the smell department. And this one comes in pink!

Waterproof fitted crib mattress protector – having already experienced one kid barfing in the middle of the night and scrambling to change all the bedding leaves us already knowing it’s apt to happen again.

Crib sheets because duh! Babes gotta get her beauty rest! We found some decently priced ones at $17.99 that really tie into her nursery them too.

Honeywell germ free humidifier – now that we know there is a significant chance that our Elli girl may have CF we want to ensure her environment is as sterile as possible to avoid additional lung complications and minimize the risk for infections.

We also added diapers, wipes and baby wash and lotion that are designed to be gentle on baby’s sensitive skin. E’s big brother had really sensitive skin when he was born so we’re anticipating experiencing something similar with her. I’ve heard great things about pampers pure so we’re gonna give them a try. As to wipes and wash – we’re sticking with 7th generation and aveeno as those worked wonders for Carter bug.

So what do you think? Anything you’d add? Take off? Change? Or any separate recommendations? Can’t wait to show you all her nursery as it comes together!

Xoxo

Gwen

#babygirl #girlmom #boymom #addingtoourtribe #nursery #babyregistry #secondtimemom #rainbowbaby #momlife #thingsaregettingreal #22weeksprego

This is hard.

As a mom I’m frequently feeling like I’m on the brink of failing and today has been no different.

Its 1:00 and I haven’t showered. I’ve battled my son on so many little things I couldn’t list them all. He’s hit me at least twice and I’m embarrassed to say how often I’ve gotten frustrated with him. I’m struggling to get the housework done before my husband gets home but feel guilty that I haven’t engaged with my son in any meaningful activity because I’ve been so preoccupied with the house. All I’ve had is coffee and cheezits and I feel guilt over the lack of nutrition that provides my unborn daughter. I’m starting a new job next week and haven’t been able to successfully login to their payroll system despite multiple contacts with HR. I’m failing at it all it seems.

All of this leaves me near tears. This is so hard. I want to just cry and take a nap and run away when my husband gets home from work. But that’s not reality. And soon enough I’ll have two littles to juggle, more time at home and an unpredictable work schedule. It’s not looking easier my friends.

Yet I look around and although I may not feel it right now I know I’m blessed. I’m blessed to have girlfriends that just pop by to drop off things for me. I’m blessed to have parents who are willing and eager to watch my son so my husband and I can have a date. I’m blessed to be in a position to stay home more and a husband that not only financially supports that decision but is emotionally backing me. I’m blessed to get to have these days with my son and to know that after nap we can start fresh and play.

So if you’re in the slums and feeling like you’re failing I’m hear to tell you – you’re not. You’re making it through another day. You’re doing the best that you can and you’re striving for more. Kuddos to you mama.

Xoxo

Gwen

#honestmothering #realmothering #momtruth #unfilteredmom #toddlermom #workingmom #momlife

Parking $2.50

Dinner $38.00 (approximately)

Comedy show & popcorn $15

Having a date night out to include a sunset walk on the waterfront – priceless

Ok, actually the price totaled about $56. Closer to $60 if I’m including the soda we had to get to go with our popcorn – and to think we didn’t even have to pay for a sitter! How do people afford this on the regular?

I read time and time again how you have to invest in your marriage and God knows I probably don’t give it what I should. So this week I planned a date for us and surprised the hubs. I even asked for some fantasy football help so he could gab about what captivates his attention almost all of Sunday (baring church and a Timbers game). This was our first date in what feels like at least 2 months and with baby girl coming soon(ish) I feel like dates will be even fewer and farther between.

But what do you all do to invest in your marriage on the daily? Dates can’t be the only relied upon effort 😜

Xoxo

Gwen

#datenight #datingyourspouse #parentlife #investinyourmarriage #ittakeswork #committment

Sunday I felt completely trapped in my own home. I have to take you back to Saturday when our fun family outing to the zoo ended before it ever began when my toddler started throwing up in the car on the way (and all the way back home). To his credit, he took it like a champ and didn’t even shed a tear. But with my husband already feeling a little crummy himself we hunkered down and decided some R&R is what the boys needed.

Fast forward to Sunday and after lounging in the house for 24 hours with a needy (understandably so) toddler and a literal thunder and lightning storm outside and I felt completely stuck inside our walls. I am a busy body and like to stay active and being forced to remain in a relaxed state was stating to wear on me.

It took getting through the day and into the start of my Monday morning bible study that I could truly get some context about my day. I was prompted to write out my days events from beginning to end and express thanks for the routine. It’s easy for us to share praise and thanks for the positive or grand things that occur and appreciate lessons learned from the difficult circumstances but the daily routine actions are easy to overlook and take for granted. Yet as I detailed my days events from Sunday I could clearly see I had such a wonderful day with my family that I was taking for granted!

So with that I prompt you to write out your day – from the waking hour to when you shut your eyes. Once you do, read over your list and I challenge you to find at least five things that you can be happy you experienced. For me that was as simple as a giggle fit from my son, encountering a rabbit on our walk, reading a bible story with him, and a Seahawks win! I bet that by doing so you will find a new sense of joy in your everyday.

#gratitude #happiness #createhappiness #findjoy #honestparenting #momhacks #lifehacks #motherhood #motherhoodunfiltered #lifeasamama #realmotherhood

Yesterday I was riding a high as I got to share my good news…I’ve accepted a new position as a volunteer recruiter for the YWCA Court Appointed Special Advocate program! I will be stepping away from direct service with survivors of domestic violence after four years at the Domestic Violence Prosecution Center. My efforts will now be channeled into recruiting volunteers to become CASAs or guardian ad litems for foster youth. This position has some work from home benefits, is fewer hours, has hours that allow either myself or my husband to be at home with our kids and also allows me to step away from the exposure to vicarious trauma. Overall it is a great fit for both myself and my family as we transition from three to four.

Yet I came crashing down later in the day when I learned that both myself and my husband are carriers for cystic fibrosis. What that means is that our baby girl has a 25% chance of being diagnosed with the illness herself. Although this isn’t a definite diagnosis for our daughter the only way we can know with certainty what her future holds is with an amniocentesis. This is not something we’re willing to do for a number of reasons. One, it poses additional risks to Elli. Two, it wouldn’t change the trajectory of our pregnancy. And three, the diagnosis, although devastating wouldn’t create an immediate change for her care when we take her home from the hospital. So with that we will wait until she decides to make her debut and we hear the newborn screening results.

I held it together until hearing in greater detail what that could mean for her life – feeding tubes, growth deficiencies, frequent lung infections, routine appointments and treatments all with the goal of prolonging her lung function until the day arrives she would need a lung transplant. The reality of it all left me broken and sobbing. My rainbow baby is supposed to be my source of light and right now all I can see are those dark clouds looming over her future.

Yet it goes beyond concern for our unborn daughter. We didn’t elect to have genetic testing done with our now three year old son. Part of that was due to our own misunderstanding about what it entailed. We were also with a different provider and insurance. As to our knowledge he is a healthy and vivacious little boy full of life. He shows no markers for CF and his pediatrician did give me some reassurance that she would be surprised if his test results came back positive. However, he is a pint sized little guy, much like his mama. So for that reason she believes it’s best to ensure CF isn’t manifesting itself with a growth deficiency in him. So now we wait to be referred to a local children’s hospital and hope for the best results for both of our children.

Hoping that our prayers are answered and we are gifted with two healthy children that doesn’t alleviate all of our concerns. This will have an impact on our children’s likelihood of passing on CF to their own children once that day comes. So the day will come that we are reminded of these feelings and are brought back to this moment of concern and dread while we wait to hear if our grandchildren have escaped a CF diagnosis.

So if you’re a praying person I ask that you lift us up. I’m seeking comfort, acceptance and peace in whatever outcomes there may be. And if you’re not I ask for positive energy and well meaning thoughts. This is part of the journey to meet our sweet Elli Reese and no matter what we’ll celebrate her and these transitions we’ve been gifted as a family.

Xoxo,

Gwen

#rainbowbaby #rainbowmama #newbeginnings #hillsandvalleys #godswill #opendoors #newpossibilities #giveittogod #hiswill #hisplan #trustinginhim #pregnancy #girlmom #20weeksprego #halfwaythere #cf #honestparenting #childhooddiagnosis #motherhoodunfiltered #realmotherhood

Full admission – I am a coffee fiend.

The first step is admitting you have a problem right? Well this little lady loves her cup O’ joe. Since I’m not able to enjoy a cup overlooking a canal in Venice every morning like pictured above (take me back!) I rely on my nespresso for a home brew. Unfortunately that doesn’t quite curb my craving for a mocha. What I really find myself indulging in is a Starbucks mocha. A nonfat, no whip, half sweet mocha to be exact. It’s become so much of a habit that my local shop nearest my work know my name and can ask if I want my regular. And let’s be real that gets REAL expensive.

But I’ve found a way to treat myself without breaking the bank! What’s my secret? I regularly use my ibotta app when I grocery shop and then load my grocery savings onto a Starbucks card directly from the app! This week alone I’ve racked up enough for a $25 Starbucks card. It’s indulging without the guilt! Because as a mom there is plenty of that coming from myself (hello mom guilt). Coffee not your jam? You can request a payout directly by PayPal or Venmo or explore their other gift card options – Amazon, Whole Foods, Target, the list goes on. Or simply pay with your ibotta credit at retailers like Home Depot, Lowe’s, Baby Gap and more and get a percentage of your purchase back!

If you want to jump on this money saving bandwagon and #treatyoself too then follow this link: https://ibotta.com/r/fplgkdd or use my referral code: fplgkdd because #yolo!

Xoxo

Gwen

#coffeeaddict #fueledbycaffeineandgrace #caffeinatedmama #motherhoodrunsoncoffee #starbucksgroupie #pregnantandcaffeinated #survivingmotherhood #itsthelittlethings #moneysaver #pinchingpennies #smartshopper

Well it happened, at almost five and half months pregnant I slept on the floor next to my toddler’s bed last night.

He’s been a light sleeper for as long as I can remember, despite our best efforts from day one to try and help him sleep in any conditions. I refused a sound machine when he was an infant because I didn’t want him reliant on it. I wouldn’t put off things like vacuuming during nap time so he could develop a tolerance for the noise. And I refused the black out shades because again, I didn’t want him reliant on specific conditions to sleep. To be honest, all of this was successful to a point. The noise didn’t really bother him but it didn’t change him waking up frequently at night.

Last night he woke up and came running to our door sometime after midnight. He said he wanted to sleep with us because it was “cozy.” My mama heart has been craving some cosleeping snuggles lately so I would have immediately scooped him up and tucked him in next to me. But the hubs was on to me and had followed me out quickly telling our son, “no.” It was clear this wasn’t up for discussion. In all fairness he’s coming down with some end of summer cold and hasn’t been feeling his best.

With the clear no from dad my son burst into tears. I asked him to come here and held him and suggested that mommy lay down in his room with him. That seemed to be a tolerable answer and he laid back down and let me tuck him in. Maybe I was feeling soft because of the pregnancy hormones? Maybe because I’ve been reflecting on how little time I have with just my boy before his sister arrives? Maybe it was because I frequently have nightmares (even as an adult) and recognize the comfort that can be found in knowing there is someone next to you? Whatever the reason I got my blanket and pillows and tucked myself in on the floor. I didn’t stay more than an hour and a half but it was enough to leave him soundly asleep and peaceful so I could creep back into my own bed.

I type this out fully acknowledging this was one of those scenarios in parenting I couldn’t understand before I had a little of my own. One of my naive beliefs that I wouldn’t participate in myself. I was even judgy hearing of other moms that did this. Weren’t they setting up unhealthy and unsustainable sleep habits? But the thing is, there isn’t a manual that comes with your newborn. We’re all figuring it out as best we can and doing the best we can. So let’s cheer one another on, laugh or encourage at the small struggles and offer support and understanding for the bigger ones. At the end of the day we all want to be the best we can for our littles and that’s enough.

Xoxo

Gwen

#parentingtruth #honestparenting #cosleepingstruggles #cosleeping #toddlermom #boymom #noparentingmanual #supporteachother #nojudgment #momtruth #thisisthree #motherhood #mothering

This time last year the hubs and I were preparing to jet set across the pond for our first trek through Europe. I had always dreamt of going through the Mediterranean and specifically seeing Greece and he made sure that dream became a reality for me. Spoiler alert it was actually Venice, Italy and Dubrovnik, Croatia that captured my heart. Venice was otherworldly, an old world city floating above the waves. And Croatia was absolutely breathtaking! It had an old world charm with a luscious greenery that Greece didn’t posses and the most beautiful clear waters I’ve ever seen. I described it as a secret gem. And oh my god the cheese! It was the full package – sight, sound and flavor. We’ve always enjoyed traveling together but it’s his drive that has allowed our passion to become a plan repeatedly.

Overall we’ve been on four cruises and traveled to twenty two countries total over our eleven years together. We still have grand plans of more adventure and excursions but we’re being smarter with the means of how we get there. Now we accumulate sky miles with my Capitol One Venture card. There are no blackout dates and your miles aren’t tied to one airline which allows for a ton of flexibility when planning our next trek. With just using the card for routine purchases we’ve racked up over 100,000 sky miles towards our next big vacation. I’m craving another trip to the beach but with expecting our baby girl we’ll be planning a family vacation and will be using more miles to get us all there. Yet that’s not a problem with the Venture card I got a signing bonus of 60k miles! FYI – you can find tickets to Aruba for 35k a piece!

If you’re interested in taking advantage of this travel hack too feel free to use my referral code: https://capital.one/2zKxqeq and let the #wanderlust continue friends. I’d also love to hear any travel tips and suggestions for our next family vacation!

#globetrotters #explore #internationaltravel #adventure #explorenewplaces #travel #seetheworld #travelsmart #flysmart #makeithappen #wheretonext #adventureawaits #romantictravelers #travelpartner

Just for the record, I don’t think I would be writing this if I knew any of my friends or family followed this blog. If someday you stumble across this mom, dad or anyone closely related to me…maybe stop reading now.

But last night I experienced something entirely new with my husband, my partner of 11 years. Let me tell you, after 11 years, a kid and another on the way it’s a challenge to find a new experience that doesn’t cross hard boundaries. Yet something took over me last night and I went for it with a passion I hadn’t in a long time. I wish I could specifically tell you what it was that motivated me to do act in the way I did, hell I wish I knew so I could make sure we have repeated sessions like last night! But, I’m not sure. I’m hoping it’s not the five month prego hormones influencing my behavior but that could explain my reckless abandon.

The thing is, I realize the significance of being intimate on an at least somewhat consistent basis with my partner. For one – his love language (and I’m going to generalize here but I’d argue the majority of males) is physical touch. Whether I feel this bond by means of sex or not he does. That is a major way he expresses his love for me. Although I don’t express myself in the same way when he explained it to me it totally made sense, “this is something that separates every other relationship we have from ours. Only you and I share this.” Now if you’re not in a monogamous relationship that sentiment may be lost on you but for me that is so powerful! I was ashamed that I didn’t recognize it myself.

Even acknowledging this am I good at putting a priority on sex? No. I have good intentions but with the busyness of life I get caught up in making sure my to do lists are checked off. Unfortunately that can also include my husband at times. I put sex on a list wanting to make sure that it’s not too long between his needs being met but also viewing it as a chore. That’s totally unhealthy and does not insight any type of fizzle. On the contrary I asked him why I’m always the one who has to make the move and his response was telling, “I can never tell when you actually want it.” I can’t even blame him for that when half the time I really don’t I’m just ticking something off my list.

Yet last night was something else entirely. I wasn’t thinking about what had to be done but instead what I WANTED to do. I was a savage. I’ll spare the details (because after all I did say that what is between my partner and I is something that makes our relationship unique to us) but I left my thirty one year old husband with a hicky and a fat lip. We both did something that was new. I’ll be honest, I felt embarrassed by it after but you know what? He loved it! There was nothing to be embarrassed about. And talking about, although awkward for me was something that also bonded us beyond the physical act itself.

So I’m sharing this for two reasons. One, for all of you couples that may feel like you’re in a stalemate I hope this inspires you to think outside the box. Push past your limitations (Notice I didn’t say boundaries here. Those are important and should be respected.) and get adventurous. See how it can transform your relationship overnight. And for two, I’m hoping to cling on to this passion myself. I thoroughly enjoyed myself last night and if you missed it previously, with a second kid on the way I know that intimacy is going to be a struggle here in a few months. So I’m going to work at it, not in a chore way but a fun date night in kind of way. I’m dating my partner and getting reacquainted to him physically all over again.

Xoxo

Gwen

#intimate #dateyourhusband #lovelanguage #physicaltouch #marriage #bond #expressionoflove #goforit #love #bebold #spicy #newexperience

Trigger Warning.

No one ever thinks they’re going to have to say that sentence. Part of that is due to the fact that we don’t talk about it. I don’t think it’s out of shame, at least it wasn’t for me. But rather you’re so deeply hurt you don’t want to even utter the words out loud. When we experienced our miscarriage in January I couldn’t even bring myself to tell my family; I asked my husband to do it. I barely issued a couple texts just letting people know not to ask me about it because I wasn’t ready. It hurt so deeply. And because my body didn’t expel the fetus I had to wait for days knowing that what was within me wasn’t a life any longer but a lost promise. It made it feel that much more bitter that my own body couldn’t recognize this wasn’t meant to be. I felt betrayed by it. Even typing it now I can feel that sense of disgust at my body. How did I not recognize it?

We had waited longer than we had planned to conceive this baby. The bond I shared with my firstborn seemed so great I just couldn’t imagine sharing my heart with another little person. And I honestly didn’t want to. My son was my world and I didn’t want to revolve around anything else but him. Yet after two years and seeing less of a baby and more of a boy I could feel that sense of “baby fever” creeping in. My husband and I had a European cruise through the Adriatic Sea planned for our fifth wedding anniversary and since I had already been on a Panama cruise and a trip to Hawaii while pregnant I didn’t want to also experience this dream vacation in that state. For that reason we postponed trying.

It ended up taking close to four months to get pregnant once we did begin trying, which felt like an eternity since we had already put it off. Yet the timing seemed perfect as I got to share the news with my husband on our actual fifth wedding anniversary and then in turn we announced to our families over the holidays. My husband still has a picture of my son in front of the Christmas tree with his big brother shirt on. I didn’t want to see it after losing the baby and it was deleted as soon as I ran across it.

We didn’t find out about the miscarriage until I was 11 weeks along. We had already shared with almost my entire extended family (it’s a large family) and even some of my coworkers. I couldn’t wait to turn the corner and get the opportunity to leave a job I was already burnt out in to take on the task of stay at home mom. This was my exit plan and I was ready for it. I had even told my direct supervisor at work, going so far as to say I’m not coming back after August when the baby arrives. Yet none of this would come to be as we saw an empty sac when we went in for our first ultrasound. I bluntly said, “so I’m not pregnant,” and the ultrasound tech replied, “no you are there just isn’t a baby.” I couldn’t wrap my brain around that but would learn just a short term later that we had what’s called an anembryonic gestation of blighted ovum. For an unknown reason the embryo just stops developing but the gestational sac continues to.

Yet what I’ve learned through this experience is that it is so much more prevalent than I ever knew. My doctor told me that about one in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage. I knew of at least one person close to me that felt that loss and for selfish reasons I was thankful I wasn’t alone in that. I heavily relied on her yet also felt isolated in my experience. I remember walking into the hospital for the D&C and not even wanting to hold my husband’s hand. I just wanted it done. I wanted to be alone because that’s how I felt.

I heavily relied on the fact that God had a plan bigger than myself. Although I may not be able to grasp the why behind it, I trusted there was a reason I wasn’t meant to know of. My faith carried me through that period of grief. And it also gave me hope that this didn’t have to be the end either. I can celebrate in this now knowing that although January 2019 we suffered the loss of life, come January 2020 we will welcome a new life. We’ll meet our rainbow baby girl, our Elliott Reese. God had a plan when telling us to wait. Elliott means, “Jehovah is God.” Our Jehovah is sharing his light with us when all we saw was darkness before.

If any of you are reading this and hurting from your own sense of loss just know it’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to feel that loss. It’s ok to have doubts about what will happen in the future. It’s ok to feel alone. But if you want to share your story, if you need a strangers ear, I’m here. Your baby can be acknowledged and shared, even if they got their wings before entering our world.

#rainbowbaby #miscarriage #pregnancy #motherhood #honestmotherhood #rainbowmama #girlmom #pregnancyloss #grief #rainbowafterthestorm